he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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