this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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