Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
is wine microwaveable?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
