Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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