Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
