I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??