If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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