Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING