He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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