Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
