1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
people are starting to question the shark bite story
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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