a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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