i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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