Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
