"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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