I'm going to jail i love you
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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