ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
