I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
