If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
