I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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