Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
ok first of all what the fuck
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
