Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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