Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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