dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
