are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
this just has baby written all over it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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