The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
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I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The air taste purple.
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