No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
