Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
zippers are such a cool invention
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
