this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
