Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
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Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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