hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
