She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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