Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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