I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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