yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
