Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
