I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
