Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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