the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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