So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
