i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.