i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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