i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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