You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.