I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
