I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize