i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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