my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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