my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
