I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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