I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
