whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
