Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
